BA: Offizielle Entschuldigung von BA aufgetaucht ;)

ANZEIGE
Status

Dieses Thema ist geschlossen.
Geschlossene Themen können, müssen aber nicht, veraltete oder unrichtige Informationen enthalten.
Bitte erkundige dich im Forum bevor du eigenes Handeln auf Information aus geschlossenen Themen aufbaust.

Themenstarter können ihre Themen erneut öffnen lassen indem sie sich über die Funktion "Inhalt melden" an die Moderatoren wenden.

Horst Curryworst

Aktives Mitglied
31.08.2012
223
0
ANZEIGE
I would like to apologise for any slight inconvenience that a small number of passengers may possibly have encountered over the last few days. A small number of passengers will have been slightly delayed for which we are very slightly sorry. In light of this slight inconvenience to a small number of customers, I have decided to give up £20 of my bonus to show how sorry I really am.

This will never ever happen again

We will hold a full investigation to show that this slight inconvenience to a small number of passenger is not my fault, nor that of my colleagues on the board and that in fact it was a junior member of staff whose name will never be known. It was "electricity" a new and exotic form of energy whose behaviour us unknown.

I promise that never again will BA strand thousands of passenger, misinform them, stop answering the phones, lose their luggage, crash our websites and pretend that legally required compensation is not real, unless the cost saving make a real difference to my bonus. Backup systems are for those who do not believe that Tata are the most perfect outsourcer in the world. We have complete faith in Tata, they are just so very cheap.

I am proud of the BA policy of creativity in giving information to stranded passengers that is in no way limited to reality or consistency and the resulting trekking to and from airports depending upon the random advice given is a marvelous way for the small number of slightly delayed passengers to occupy their time.

I am delighted to announce that the waiting time on our phone lines is down to three days and although the BA app isn't working, our website is down and our phones don't work, the Excel spreadsheet that calculates my bonus has enjoyed 100% reliability.

I am proud that we have four hardworking staff manning the phones, in Mozambique from 3AM to 6AM local time, Monday to Wednesday, each carefully trained to be able to say “we can’t help you and won’t even try” in 87 languages including Klingon, Apache and C++.

Obviously I am not giving media interviews, these people are scum, one journalist I spoke to did not have the respect to call me Sir,had no interest in golf, didn't own even one single horse and was so uneducated that he had not attended even a minor business school. They ask questions as if our customers had any right to know what if anything I am doing about the slight delay affecting a small number of our customers. I will share that I only had time to play one round of Golf this weekend, so I feel your pain.

It is important at this time to understand that because we are British Airways, we can treat you in any way we like because as a National Carrier, the law was written by our stooges to ensure that even if we strand you, destroy your luggage or leave your trapped in a boiling plane for hours we won’t pay you any meaningful compensation. If you try to claim, we will simply ignore you and as you have seen we have taken our website down so that you won’t even bother our computers with your petty whining.

Unfair accusations have been made that we are treating passengers like cattle. Since we care far more about the views of the many highly attractive models of PETA who demonstrate in the nude against animal cruelty than we care about you peasants, I wish to make it clear we'd never leave any animal standing for days in a baking hot terminal with no water in queues which if you go to the toilet means you go to the back of the line. I fail to see why you need to eat, do you not know that obesity is now a major public health issue ?

We are protected by the Warsaw Convention which gives us the right to behave pretty much as we choose and if all else fails we can say “security” and stick our fingers in our ears. Did you know senior politicians get upgrades and use of our VIP lobbies so they don’t have to mix with peasants like you ? That is a good business decision because they owe us more than they owe you, so don't take your petty little complaints about minor delays to them.

We have signs saying you should not abuse our staff, yes our standard of service is so low that we need signs like that. Not because we care about staff, but it makes the insurance cheaper and it gives a pretext for us to deploy armed police to deal with complaining passengers.

Some passengers have become dismayed that we are too important to talk to them whilst spending days at airports, so at this time I’d like to point out that the British Transport Police work for us, not you. Any attempt to complain will involve armed men arresting you. That is why so many BTP officers end up working for us, it isn’t a coincidence and frankly it isn’t cheap either. Some of our customers are elderly and suffering slightly from the small delays, but it isn't my grandmother, so please explain to me why should I care ? I'm not missing conferences, as CEO of BA I can take whatever holiday I like anywhere in the world, if you hadn't wanted to be treated like cattle, you should have done an Masters in Management at Cox Business School, yes I am a "Master of Management" what could possibly cause you to doubt that ? I have a bit of paper and everything, I even have a degree in engineering, no, stop laughing.

As customers of BA you are so unimportant that I’m not even writing this myself, some cheap freelance technology journalist called Dominic Connor (who scribbles geeky stuff for The Register) has tapped into my thoughts. He’s flown BA, which is as good a reason to hate us as any.

We've currently decided to blame "electricity" for the systems failure, the refusal to tell customers what is going on, people being left in baking hot planes for hours, the lack of any useful staff, the random inconsistent information, hiding from the media and our simple unwillingness to pay compensation. This decision was reached by the board who agreed that since we don't understand electricity (we are business leaders) we reckon no one else will and since nearly all journalists are arts graduates, they will swallow that bullshit whole.

Don’t kid yourself that you can take your business elsewhere. The government has given us a near monopoly of so many landing slots at airports that to believe that this slight delay for a few passengers won’t seriously affect our numbers and more importantly my entirely justified multi million pay and bonus package. Resigning is for little people. Numbers are what matters at BA, I am personally offended by the racist idea that British service should be like Downton Abbey or Jeeves and Wooster. Our objective is to attain the same levels of service offered by the Soviet airline Aeroflot in the 1970s.

At some point (or none) someone I’ve never met will come up with an apology that I don’t mean and insult your intelligence with a “cause” that is not our fault. Because it never is BA’s fault. Ever. We will be more polite to politicians saying “we have learned lessons”, which of course the lesson is “ makes sure more politicians and editors get free upgrades and VIP treatment”

We don’t care, we don’t have to, we’re BA, the world’s most contemptible airline.


Yours insincerely

nearly Alex Cruz


(c) Dominic Connor, via LinkedIn
 
  • Like
Reaktionen: Tirreg
Status

Dieses Thema ist geschlossen.
Geschlossene Themen können, müssen aber nicht, veraltete oder unrichtige Informationen enthalten.
Bitte erkundige dich im Forum bevor du eigenes Handeln auf Information aus geschlossenen Themen aufbaust.

Themenstarter können ihre Themen erneut öffnen lassen indem sie sich über die Funktion "Inhalt melden" an die Moderatoren wenden.